Arrival In Life; A New Chapter For Me

2734CC9D-538E-4C5B-9110-08971AF0C85ATimes like these, make me wonder, time twirling round and falling down like snowflakes in the winter sky. When I arrived in Calgary I was greeted with the cold bite of winter. I felt as though I was home, yet, broken. Trying to find the words to express everything I have steadfast repressed.

Time changes everything, things will never stay static. Nothing in life is permanent we either dig our heals into the ground and refuse to move or we keep making gradual steps forward to a new future. We cannot change another human being into who we wish they would be, nor can we make them even realize their own potential.

As much as we wish people would grow and blossom into the beauties they are meant to become. Many lay choking, dying in their regret, their stubbornness and their fear. Life is too short to remain stagnant. Why not choose to grow? Why stay stubborn and blinded by pride.

We cannot change anyone.

Care givers burnout is a real thing. If you continue to live in avoidance of your partner because of their illness you are hurting them. This breeds neglect, and abuse. The outsider truly doesn’t know the insiders view.

Life with chronic illness is different than anything I have experienced in the past. Melting the old with new, we transmute into something new. Falling away, embracing the new life, letting go of the past, learning to live and love again.

Broken we come into life with illness, healing and community is what we find. No matter your journey, no matter your illness, you deserve to be treated like the goddess/god you are. Never let someone take your love for granted.

You, yes you are precious. What are some words of encouragement you would say to someone close to you going through a rough time? Now say those words to yourself. Supporting yourself and practicing self love are vital to survival in the lands of illness. Never let anyone down play your journey, share it. Your story can help other, and will be inspire change.

Just to touch on the last blog post how are your can do lists coming?

If you missed my newest YouTube video you can check it out here.


Chronic Illness And Suicide


***Please note this could be triggering for some however is intended for awareness. This is intended to break silence on topics that many find to be uncomfortable to discuss. Please be respectful of those who are emotionally sensitive, those who have contemplated suicide, and those who struggle with these thoughts. There is much controversy about suicide. For the purposes of this post I will be addressing it as the most negative expression, someone taking their own life out of desperation. I’m not addressing assisted suicide, which is its own separate act. You are welcome to your views and opinions.
Please know that this is written to help spread hope and to hopefully help others realize they are not alone.***

Chronic illness and suicide. Something many of us don’t wish to address. The fact is many of us who are chronically ill struggle with these dark thoughts. We either over share our journey, don’t share enough, or we withdraw into ourselves, hoping our pain will never touch others.

Many times, we lose our sense of self while being ill. Prior to becoming ill, many us had a sense of identity through our job or favourite hobbies, which we are perhaps unable to do now. Chronic illness brings us to a place where we must face midlife events. In this event we reflect on years past and think about how our lives have changed. We can adapt by realizing that our path is different and we can rebuild a new life.

If you are in this stage of identity crisis, make a list of the abilities you still have, the things you are still able to do. This may help you gain some perspective.

When we over share, we are searching out connection with those we love and respect. When it is not reciprocated we can wind up feeling isolated. The isolation leads to us becoming depressed. It is okay to be depressed reach out, talk to professionals or confide in a friend. Please do not isolate as isolation is a breeding ground for suicidal thoughts.

When we share a little, we became frustrated with the fact that our healthy friends can not relate to us. Some of them make this more difficult for us by expressing their, “get well soon wishes,” when chronic illness is chronic. Chronic means never getting better, it is means forever. When people say things like, “get well soon,” or “hope you feel better” to someone with chronic illness it isolates them and leads to depression. It would be suggested that someone would say to a chronically ill person, “I hope you feel as well as possible.” This is a supportive gesture, instead of a mircoaggression.

Not sharing at all and withdrawing into ones’ self is the worse stage to be in. In this state those of us with illness believe our journeys do not matter. We begin to believe our pain doesn’t matter. We think others will never understand so what is the point in even sharing our challenges. By withdrawing, we isolate and become depressed. Share your story, you can be the light someone else is looking for in the darkness. Connecting with others who have had these thoughts, can help you. Depression can also become a building block to build a foundation that will take you to a positive place. For many people depression only leads them to negative expression, such as suicide.

Bullying online, in person, and all extensions of this can also lead to people taking their own lives. If someone is continually torn down by someone by being thrown into the negative sludge of disgust, and other people can expect the person being bullied to be unaffected. Not everyone can or will let words roll off them like they are nothing. Some bullies will bully people with the intention or completely destroying their target. Compelling their target to eventually attempt, and perhaps eventually kill themselves. This is heinous.

Suicide is no laughing matter. There is never a good or right time to bully someone just because they are different. If everyone were the same life would be mundane. Suicide is a tragedy in the sense of the loss of life, and heart-break left in the wake.

Negativity being thrown at someone regularly can trigger a spiralling negative thought pattern. Sometimes these are not even our thoughts they are the thoughts bullies/abusers place in our heads. These thoughts should never have been in our heads in the first place. The thought pattern can be like “I am a burden.” “I am not worth loving.” “Everyone would be better off without me.”

If you are sick and thinking any of these thoughts or feeling like this, perhaps it is time to take a step back. Re-evaluate yourself. Wouldn’t you rather be the reason someone smiles, thanks you, and who can encourage others in the way that you need to be encouraged right now? Being a bully or negative harms you and others. Lashing out isn’t beneficial in any case. Remember that sometimes you can be the person exhibiting toxic behavior with people who may not be the target of your original frustrations.

In some cases, our loved ones are the ones that end up abusing us, pushing us close to the edge of suicide by discouraging us or acting out against us in cruelty. Some caregivers refuse to get help for themselves. Not getting help as a caregiver can cause them to become an abuser towards the person for whom they care. Sometimes the abused and chronically ill will lean towards to suicide as an option, as it is the only way to escape our condition. Caregivers can abandon the person who is ill as means of escape. We cannot escape our condition until the day we die.

Sometimes an abuser will say something terrible like, “if you wanted to do it you would just do it. You wouldn’t just talk about it.” That kind of statement is never ok and can send someone on the edge right over it. That is, in itself abusive.
Caregivers burn out can lead to abuse and turn a caregiver into a bully.

The world would not be a better place without you in it. The world is a better place because you are here. You are advocating. You are an activist. You are a brave soul! You fight battles no one sees. I see you, you aren’t alone, you may be struggling and that’s ok. Please do not give in, do not give up. Use your hurt, your frustration, for something positive. Let it fuel you to continue to raise awareness. You matter. You are loved. Sometimes we don’t even see those people right next to us that love us unconditionally and they never will leave us. They love us by staying with us through all the hardships.

Remember unconditional love is not bullying, it’s not hateful or spiteful. Unconditional love is not judgemental, keeps no records of wrongs, it is in fact supportive. Please love yourself. I sure hope you see your worth. You are worthy of love; respect and you deserve to be treated like the lovely soul you are.


A Poem By Anna Werrun “Destroyed”


Time and time again I turn to you
The same thing rings true…

Ripping, shredding any bit of hope or peace I find.
I can not concierge in conversation in confidence.

Silence is the only thing that protects me from you…
Bury, shove it down, quiet any happiness and joy.

Beating, breaking me down.
You smile at your spoils of this thing you call love.

You don’t know love.
You hate me, your will stronger than any other.

I try to keep my hope buried down around you.
If I don’t, you will steal if from me, and find the bad in my good.

Tearing it into the shit you call realism…
when all you do is push me around and put me down.

To far in to go, to broken to stay
To much to say and no time.

Words lost, time fleeting, leaving my lifeless hands…
You won’t change.
I am wanting you to be someone you are not.

Your disinterest in me is deafening,
Your distaste for me is distressing,
Your disheartening, dissonance, disjointed and destroys me.

Just an obligation not a commitment just someone to make to feel trashy.
There is not love only lust.

A broken hearted lovers fantasy.
I am of no interest unless I seem detached.

In the cover of night when no one is around,
there is no sound. It whispers to me to end it all…
Dissolution, I am destroyed.

My Sweet Zebra By Jamie


Where are you from tell me a little bit about yourself…  –  Our family lives in Texas, USA. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, and our two boys are 6, and 8. We home school, which is fun and exciting most days. And we have one dog, a pit bull named Chevy, who is the greatest dog ever.

What is your name, age, and disease/invisible illness/mental health? So, I’m Jamie 37 mom and I have PMDD, then there is my husband James 37 who has a mild case of EDS, Seth is 8, he has EDS, Autism and AAOCA and Sebastian is 6 and he has EDS; that really affects him.

When did life change for you? Life changed for our family May 2016. Sebastian had already been experiencing pain but we didn’t know what was going on. In May, he was sent to the ER, with tingles and pain in his neck, arms and hands. From there we got sent to a rheumatologist and received our diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. After that they requested my sons have echocardiograms, and then it got worse, we found a hidden defect in my oldest son’s heart. That requires surgery.

What was life like before diagnosis? It was normal! It was easy. And to be honest there are days I long to go back to them! We played, hung out, took trips, the kids played without worrying and we laughed when my son rolled himself into a ball or squished himself into a box for fun.

How has your diagnosis changed your life? It’s stressful and complicated, Sebastian sees 4 specialists, he is on nerve medication at age 6! He hurt himself going down a slide. He hesitates to play and join in activities that other kids his age jump at the chance for. Our weeks are full of therapy and nights full of medications and topical rubs. Seth is limited not only because the EDS but because of his heart, he is not allowed to play sports, or run. And he wants to run! He wants to be as fast as Flash. BUT, I’m thankful for it. Without we wouldn’t have answers, Sebastian wouldn’t have been in PT for over a year and made so much progress. Seth’s heart defect wouldn’t have been found and he could have been taken from us. So as hard as it is, I’m thankful we found out.

Please describe the best you can a day in the life of you?
Our day is dependent on the night before. If Sebastian didn’t sleep well, we are all kind of groggy. Because we homeschool we wake up when the kids are ready. Slowly, if Sebastian’s body doesn’t have time to “warm up” his pain is amplified. We start with gentle rubs and stretches and then once he’s up we have breakfast. After, we start school and the kids learn and play inside and out. We have several different sensory swings, and equipment that we use. Gentle exercise and Pt at home, unless it’s a therapy day. Therapy Days start at 9:30 we leave the house and drive 1.5 hours to get to the facility. then it’s therapy from 11:30 to 6:00 and then the drive home.

By the afternoon Sebastian is worn out and usually laying on the couch, Seth is not effected the same as Sebastian so he is usually in his room playing. After dinner it’s bath time, time for medicine and night time rubs.
Hopefully Sebastian sleeps well, otherwise he wakes several times with pain in his legs and back or tingles down his arms and hands.

What was/is the most challenging thing you have faced because of your diagnosis?
As a parent, I think the most challenging thing is just trying to get everyone to understand. We got lucky with Doctors and have had good experiences. It’s other people that see the kids play (on good days) that think there is no way they could have issues. It’s been hard getting people to understand that not all disabilities are visible. My kids have been called lairs and they’ve been pushed beyond their limits because a stranger or friend doesn’t believe them. I’ve learned to be a pretty good Mama bear since first being diagnosed

Do you find that you can keep up with others?

My husband is pretty mildly effected and he does a good job at keeping up, Sebastian has trouble with this and he is limited, but that doesn’t stop him from trying his best. Seth is only limited by heart, his is also mild and he rally pushes himself.

What would you tell others living with your diagnosis?
We get it, and I know what works for us may not work for you but we will be there for you. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or others.

What would you like to tell others that don’t live with a similar diagnosis?
support us, rather than tell us how sorry you are. Support comes in many different ways. Listening, helping where you can, believing us, spreading awareness with us, those things matter most

What have you learnt on your journey? For me personally I have a unique perspective, my mom has chronic pain, and now my children, I’ve learned to not take things for granted, I’ve learned to stand up for myself and, my kids and realize I don’t have to please everyone. And not everyone deserves a place in our life and that’s ok.

Is there anything you would like to add about your journey?  My kids are fighters and I hope that I have instilled in them the strengthen and courage to continue to fight. I know that it’s a long road ahead but we are ready. We’ll get through it together. A little Zebra Herd.

Follow their journey on Facebook here

Perception And Projection

63927031-E0EF-4D5C-85C2-F4C84236B299Celebrate life’s Joys and triumphs. The happy things in life are the building blocks to a better frame of mind. Your attitude is everything.

Many people think the power of positive thinking is a load crap. My question to those who say that is, have you ever tried it?

It’s proven that we can rewire our thinking to being positive or being negative. Perception is key. If all you see is a dull, dark, decrepit world, your world will be like that. If you see joy, enveloping light that glistens in the wake of even those bad moments, your world will be like that.

How we feed our minds and what we perceive is how we act and interact with others.

Did you know just thinking negative thoughts about you or others will play a larger role in your perception and projection in your life.

Perception being how you see the world. If you perceive things as all bad, you will be a “Downer,” negative perceptions often lead to negative projections. This means complaining all the time and not working on changing the thing you are complaining about and also not working on changing how you view your challenges in life.

If you are positive and look on the brighter side, you may be called “annoying,” by your fellow human. Sadly, some people view the positive as a bad thing. But those who focus on the positive are happier, and tend to be less stressed out. Positive perceptions lead to positive projections. Interacting with others these people come across kinder, open minded, and challenge themselves to find the positive in every situation.

Perception can lead us to project negative, or positive emotions on others. Remember your perception of your situation, your life matter. A negative perception would make us think the world is full of mundane and terrible things. A positive perception will lead us to seeing there is good in the world and kind people.

The world is all about balance, balance your perception into a realistic tone, remember bad things happen, as do good things. Do your best to not get over whelmed by the negative in life.  Do what is best for you. Do what helps you feel like you have a sense of purpose. When you do what you love you shine brighter than ever.

The Lady Behind The Blog


My name is Anna, I live with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, And Mast Cell Activation Syndrome.  Each of these syndromes give me various symptoms, and complications. For the purpose of sharing my story, I would prefer to share the more positive aspects that have come out of my illness, rather than the negative.

I am a blogger, a YouTuber, and an artist. Recently I created an awareness comic for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, “Zingy wants to tell you about EDS and so much more.” You can find it on my art blog site here

I take each day as it comes, I focus on what I can do today in this moment. When the stresses of life seem to swirl around, I do my best to not get down. I don’t want get swept away in the currents of depression, to stay afloat I will do my best to take the day by hour or by minute if I need to. I find one thing in every day to look forward to, to watch a silly movie, chat with a friend, or just self-care.

Talking about our hardships with a counselor, or loved one is important to help us cope. Letting ourselves grieve the loss illness brings along our journey is important, let yourself grieve.

Support in the community is an important aspect for our survival. We aren’t alone in our struggle, and I’m always happy to chat with others and love to hear the journey others have been on. Being diagnosed with anything can be overwhelming, it can be dizzying and disorienting. Please know your diagnosis isn’t the end, it can be hard when you were first diagnosed. I would encourage you to reach out to support groups and talk with your loved ones. We are all just looking for a little love, understanding, friendship, and support.

I am a woman, a fighter, and I am not a quitter. I will hold my head high even if it is braced snuggly in my vista color. I will not let illnesses rule me.  Illness has changed what I can do and, molded into a new person. I am more understanding of others with chronic and complex illness.

If I can say anything to others living with complex chronic illness it would be this, “you were truly not alone. Living with an illness is not easy, sharing your journey with others can help to ease its burden. Be strong and who you are. Never give up on you.”

May your eyes see the good in the world, May your ears hear positive words from others, may you smell life’s wonderful aromas, may your tongue be a weapon of encouragement. Celebrate life’s Joys and triumphs. The happy things in life are the building blocks to a better frame of mind. Your attitude is everything.

Always remember when you feel overwhelmed to close your eyes and smile for a while. Thank of life and those blessings that are all around. Breathe in your nose and out your mouth, now that you’re grounded open your eyes to the day that is filled with endless possibilities. You can do this. You are a warrior. I remain hopeful always.


Why Advocating For Yourself Is Imporant

Please note this is written from personal experience and research. Please check your local patient bill of rights, know your rights for your health care.

Entering the ER and listing of the diseases I have the nurse behind the glass in triage I don’t looks extremely confused, or says to me, “I have no idea what any of these things are.”

This is one reason it’s important to carry your diagnosis with you. Having a letter head from your doctors office on the top of a diagnosis can help you in emergency situations, and also should you need to see doctors else where in the country.

In the ER you can then give the triage nurse your paper/folder with information. Sometimes they will take it and photocopy it and add it to the file in the hospital. Other times they will not. It really depends on what they deem as necessary.

If you take your forms in to the ER and did you see your doctor it’s important to show them the forms. Having diagnostic material with you can help speed along the process when trying to figure out what the new symptom is that you were having that has attributed to your ER visit. I know for myself this is save me numerous times of becoming frustrated, mostly for not being believed that I am sick.

It is also important to have the information on your diseases and types of diseases if there are subtypes in case of emergencies. I carry with me a binder that has laminated sheets that I have slipped my information into. The information ranges from benign conditions that don’t cause distressing symptoms to life-threatening diseases and symptoms. This is of utter importance to carry with me because if I was to get into a car accident they would see that I’m wearing medical alert jewellery around my neck and I also have a folder full of information as to how to treat me and not kill me.

Medical alert jewelry  can also be a life saver. Please note having one of this is important if you are like me and are living with EDS, if you are alone, if you aren’t conciuos and no one is around your medical jewelry can speak for you.

Carrying information with you it is not only important to you but its important that the people around you realize you also carry this information.

Having someone with you that knows you carry a folder with information should you for example lose consciousness they can call 911 and then give the paramedics the folder with your information in it.

My last experience with a paramedic was very good they wanted to learn about my chronic and where diseases and they took the time to read through my folder. They then took my folder to the triage nurses for me so that they could go through it and see the severity of my diseases. I am forever grateful to the wonderful paramedics that picks me up and took me to the hospital because they made me feel safe, secure and like my life was in good hands.

Remember is truly imperative that you are your own advocate. This means writing down everything you want to talk to your doctor about when you see him or her it is also imperative that you keep pushing forward to get the medical care that you need.

If you do not have an advocate working for you this is why it is important that you work for you. You must dictate clearly to a doctor what it is that you want out of your appointment. This means having notes, and sometimes even writing a letter.

Know your rights. Google search the patient bill of rights for your county, state, province, or country. My understanding of the bill of rights where I live are, you are allowed to seek out medical attention, if your doctor isn’t helping you, you are allowed to get a second opinion. Your doctor should send you to someone else for a second opinion, all you have to do is ask.

Sometimes for days before I go to an appointment I will start writing things down as to what I want to talk about what is the most important thing, why am I here, am I getting results of tests, do I need prescriptions, and the list goes on.

It is of the utmost importance that you advocate for yourself. I understand that you’re tired and exhausted. This is a trying thing living chronically and terminally ill is not easy. But if you do not know what kind of care you want how can you ask for it.

Remember you are of great importance to you and to the medical system. People living with complex illnesses we need to be information sharing with our doctors to help us get the best care possible, and also help others to get the care that need and deserve.

You can do this. Do not give up hope. You are not alone.

Hopeful always.


Mast Cell/MCS And The Scent Free Challenge

758D4669-D3E5-4A3A-B636-31A536562B12To go scent free  can really help you with your mast cell activation. Some of us with MCAS/MCS would probably say oh smells don’t bother me. Sadly it isn’t just man made smells that are an issue, sometimes essential oils also cause a terrible reaction.

Personally when I started to think about scents and how they were impacting me I had no idea they were the source of my many migraines, my chronic sinus infection, my month long rashes and oddly enough the source of feeling angry when I actually smelt certain smells.

Going scent free did not cure me of mast cell activation syndrome, it did greatly help me to have less migraines. My chronic sinus infection didn’t flare as often. The rashes related to smelling products was lessened simply because I wasn’t putting smelly products on my skin. And it wasn’t experiencing such a surge of anger and anxiouity when I would spell certain products.

Many people assume you can’t go sent free and keep a tidy and clean home, because cleaners aren’t going to clean as well or dish soap won’t work as well, your favorite shampoo or conditioner is heavily scented. If you think about all the scented products that you use body wash, makeup, dish soap, laundry detergent, dryer sheets, cleaning products, shampoo, hair conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant, hair products and more. This post is to explain some alternative options has to going scent free.

Products to consider or companies to consider buying from our seventh generation, and nature clean.  These are two product companies that I have bought from before and have had no reaction to their products. Keep in mind some of these products to come in the scented variety.

Being scent free is a choice, if it benefits your health why not do it. Yes set free products can be a little more expensive, in the long run this is actually going to be more beneficial to you, your health, your mentality, and your overall well-being.

Scent free living is achievable. Some of the products I like to use are the following: seventh generation dish soap, seventh generation laundry soap, seventh generation unscented shampoo and conditioner, plant glycerin soap unscented which can be used as a shampoo and body wash, kiss my face deodorant, I use wool dryer balls for the dryer, scent free cleaning products can be purchased through either online or in stores.

Seven generation makes unscented cleaners for the home, if you cannot handle any of the sense in any cleaners or chemicals, you can use baking soda to clean and scour your bathtub rinse out well with water because leftover baking soda will leave a bit of a film and can be slippery when it is wet.  There is also vinegar that can be used to clean do not use vinegar and baking soda together as this will create a volcanic eruption.

Everyone with mast cell activation or multiple chemical sensitivity reacts differently to different triggers.  I would like to challenge and encourage you, to try to go scent free for at least a month and see if it actually helps you and some of your symptoms.  If it doesn’t at least you tried, if it does help you then you know there are precautionary measures you can take to going scent free. If it works for you and your symptoms improve you maybe inclined to stay scent free.

Go scent free for about a month and you notice a deduction in the amount that you’re reacting, the frequency of your reactions are becoming less and less, and you feel a little better in general. Perhaps sticking with scent free is the way to go.

I would love to hear from you! If you do this challenge and have improved symptoms please sent me a message or an email about your experience. I would love to have you share your insights here on my blog.

Here are some links to products that I and others in the scent free community would recommend others use. Please note it is not gauranted that all these will work but it worth a try to go scent free.

Unscented laundry soap

Unscented cleaner

Unscented Deodorant

Unscented Deodorant

Unscented dishwashing liquid

Unscented body wash

Unscented shaving cream

Oil pulling

Unscented toothpaste 

Vog mask link

RZ Mask


Get Down With The Lingo. SPOONS/SPOON THEORY By Amanda Margaret

36CE5DF3-76E7-49FB-B3B0-191F4112A03BGive a warm welcome to a new guest blogger Amanda Margaret. I am pleased to welcome this inspiring, brave, well rounded lady to the blog. I admire her strength, passion and large and caring heart. Please enjoy her spoonie lingo.

Get down with the lingo. SPOONS/SPOON THEORY – See

It has nothing to do with being healthy and not wanting to do something, or feeling tired.

Do you know there are different kinds of spoons? IE Someone who has a complicated condition can have “braining spoons” “physical ability spoons” “social spoons” and so on. There can be a subcategories of those as well.

One may have enough braining spoons to be able to follow the plot of the movie but not be able to find the words to describe how the movie makes them feel. One may have enough dexterity spoons to be able to type on their laptop but not text on their phone. One may have enough physical spoons to be able to go for a walk but not be able to lift heavy objects.

SPOONIE – someone who has a chronic condition to whom the spoon theory applies.

SPOONIE MANAGEMENT – having to prioritize what a person does based on what they surmise is their available spoons, which chronically ill bodies can change (or revoke) at any given time.

NORMIE – it doesn’t mean people who are Spoonies consider Normies to be normal or plain or ordinary in every single way. You were probably weird and wonderful if you’re reading this because I seem to have the fortune of attracting unique humans.
Somehow this term has caught on as the general way to quickly describe someone who is not a Spoonie.

NORMIE FACE – AKA NORMIE MASK to put on a smiley face and pretend to be feeling better then we are feeling. This cost us spoons. I compare it to X-Men First Class when Mystique is using a great deal of concentration to hold her form. It takes effort. And the second we are alone, we are worse off for trying to keep it on for so long. We all do it. YUP-even me. Most of you will never see me without my Normie Mask on. Or my other mask on Ha ha ha.
Example of use (to quote a friend of mine) “I give good Normie face.”

MICROMANAGING SPOONS – When another person tries to tell a Spoonie how to manage their spoons or shames them for how they choose to spend their spoons.
IE How come you did Activity A insures of Activity B?

Written by: Amanda Margaret

Looking For Answers; Tamara’s Mysterious Illness


Join Tamara as she searches for answers about her undiagnosed Illness. Please be respectful of her and her story. 

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, I apologize in advance so Sorry this is the LONGEST read of all time. Kinda a run down- I was born in 85, diagnosed with Lyme in the late 90’s I’m 32 currently.

I have 4 kids- ~15 yr old daughter, I was 42 weeks pregnant with her when after really persuading the obgyn he finally induced…let me tell you I was READY her birthday is 9-15-02 so I went all summer super big and pregnant. – now here’s the kicker she was 6 lbs 14 oz or so and I was 42 weeks pregnant. No one ever said anything, never thought it was a big deal. I got my labor/delivery and her birth records recently.

Apparently my thyroid was off in early pregnancy but towards the end it was in limits, NEVER told me anything. Her placenta was off too I can’t quite remember right now but I have the paperwork. Never told me! But in researching after 40 weeks the placenta can start to have issues so who knows.

She’s fine now she’s taller than me, gorgeous, smart, sweet. She’s a perfectionist/stresser, she is having bilateral knee pain for about 2 years they think it may be a torn meniscus, she has to do 6 weeks of pt 3x a week before an MRI can be done. But that’s the only medical stuff that’s known about her.

~12 year old. She was also 6 lb something when she was born. She was born with a vascular birthmark. I asked a MILLION TIMES did I do something, was it the car wreck I was in when she was almost born (I had complications after, she rested low after and major sciatic pain till delivery), I asked if it was genetic etc. Everyone told me nope just how she was formed. She has had too many surgeries some a few hours some 10-12 hour long surgeries. The AVM/VM involves her left ear/head/neck/skull its not into her brain but not from lack of trying, we have surgeries to keep it at bay. She’s also taller than me,gorgeous, smart, sweet, spunky, wonderful, brace, my hero.

~5 year old he was 6 lb 14 oz or so too, my labor/delivery and his birth were HELL! I think we were both close to dying. He had numerous issues, he was hypoglycemic so they kept giving him sugar water bc he was lethargic and was not waking to eat. No problems during pregnancy, etc. At 5 months old or so we found out he had a brain cyst, has left sided weakness. Fast forward he has porencephaly, porencephalic cyst, periventricular white matter loss (it’s not progressed and he does NOT have hydrocephalus THANK GOD), might have cerebral palsy. He is having seizures, he had an EEG that came back abnormal. (He is going to see a pediatric neurologist in December hopefully then we can find an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan) he currently has done PT/OT for over a year. He is also gorgeous, smart, sweet, spunky…he’s a freckled faced red head- he’s like a sour patch kid, but everyday he tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me constantly.

~2 year old he was my BIG baby 8 lb something, came out with the cord around his neck and needed the bag and mask for around a minute, he wasn’t breathing or crying he was purple and bruised. I had no problems during pregnancy either. (I didn’t with any of their pregnancies at least none that I was told about). He is having seizures too, he had an EEG the tech said he is having seizures 2 minutes in and said I’m calling dr now, the report came back saying he was 4 and normal results (I’m taking him to the same pediatric neurologist on December 4th, to have both my boys evaluated). He’s also gorgeous, smart, sweet, spunky. Ok so all my littles came via induction/vaginal delivery. The first at 42 weeks, the others almost 40 weeks I was 39 weeks plus 5 day or more with them. My body didn’t seem to want to progress to exit the baby.

More my issues, I AM EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME. Recently diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). I AM A STRESSER! I’m not even kidding it’s not mild I stress a lot. I finally asked my dr for a RX of xanax after a horrible couple of dr trips way out of state for my 12 year old, I tried to not and finally caved in 2016. I don’t take them daily, they set in my bathroom but the fact that I have them is a security blanket.

I have a horrible memory, like ppl talk about their childhood or my siblings talk about our childhood and I’m like “cool” because I have so much I don’t remember, I have been married 16 yrs and I have a hard time recalling his and my memories, I have 4 kids same thing. I have brain fog a lot… i can’t remember current things, I have a hard time focusing. Ive had troubles in the #2 area a lot throughout my life, I thought maybe I had IBS or something.(TMI so I’m sorry- but I’m going to get real…I had pellet like poop A LOT!)

I remember having “symptoms” of gallbladder issues since I was pregnant with my now 15 yr old, she was born in 2002…I was 16 when I was pregnant with her. I had my gallbladder removed in 2014, so I no longer have my gallbladder it was riddled with stones and much too large. (I do not miss it, I was in pain everyday, I thought it was gas, I took hot baths and showers like 3x daily, took the gas pill phazyme daily, etc and now no pain, no phayzyme and #2 was good till recently more in a minute).

I had shingles a few times after that ( same area my upper right back/shoulder/bra area). My dr says you can only have it 1 time so ignored the other times, I have nerve pain for maybe 2 years after in that area. I swear my thyroid is off but my dr only checks tsh it’s always near the edge but within limits so he says I’m fine, never ran a full panel. I gain weight super fast I recently was at 185 …I’m like 5’2-5’3 so that’s hefty for me, I finally got my dr to prescribe phentrymene (sp) bc I needed something to help. I’m at 150-155 lb now, wanting to get to 130ish. (Sorry, I’m kinda an open book so I’m giving too much info).

I get knots in my feet all the time, they hurt so bad, they can be rubbed out…is that plantar fasciitis? I have low temps period, like 97.5 is my norm so like 98.5 I’m feeling. I was in a car wreck at the beginning of the year and I’ve had neck, middle back, lumbar, right knee pain since, and since my #2 has been off again. It was just I was rear ended while I was sitting at a stop sign with my foot on the break pedal. I wasn’t ran over. Well I have grade 1 spondylolisthesis, spinal stenosis, etc etc etc.

My youngest is 2 1/2 and I breastfed for 4 months I’m still leaking milk colored fluid when my nipples are stimulated. The livedo riticularious rash, I have it faintly always but if I’m cold it’s BOLD. A doctor recently told me she thinks I have Raynauds. Hypermobility maybe Ehlers Danlos Symdrome (EDS). Vitamin D Deficiency, my blood work showed my vitamin D level was a 6 like a year and a half ago, recently rechecked it’s a 20. My dr wants me to get to 50-60. Iron Deficiency it’s always low, I have been anemic like my whole life.*Casein sensitivity- my blood worked showed my levels as 8.5 and the range was <2. (I’m sure there’s more symptoms too, eventually I’ll have a longer list).

I’m terrified that I could have after effects of Lyme disease or maybe still have it. BUT MOSTLY I’m terrified that I unknowingly passed it on to my 4 children. I often think that if I had not ever had Lyme disease my kids would all be healthy and not have issues. The guilt is unbearable.

I can’t wait till November 30th to at least ask some questions and get some answers from my son’s neurologist appt. I have more appts scheduled too so hopefully come 2018 I have some answers to this list of questions. I just started piecing this puzzle together after gathering past medical records and asking questions I’ve got us scheduled for specialists and appointments. Hoping to find answers so my kids and I have answers. Does any of the above sound similar to anyone else? If you’ve sit through my novel, Thanks, I hope one day we all find the answers to our medical mystery.

Tamara I wish you the best in your chronic illness journey. Hopeful you get to a diagnosis’s soon and that the doctors are able to help you along your journey. Never give up Advocating for yourself or your children.